do you know your velocity

"Consumers have no obligations or duties to anything except to their own desire to eat cheese doodles with Pepsi Cola. And that's not enough to peg a civilization on.”

The pull, the numbness, the vague tightness of her heart finally caught her conscious attention as she glimpsed herself in the bathroom mirror, on this morning so like any other. And a picture of hairline fractures formed in her sleep-fogged brain.

The simple thought, “So, I’m cracking again,” entered her mind at the exact instant as she consented to the fact.

Her only regret, she realized, was that she no longer had access to weed. From experience she knew that marijuana was the only glue that worked, sparking her creativity and intuition, while also mitigating the pain. Was she strong enough to hack the intense ache that would begin soon, as the pieces fell?

you’re lucky
/unlucky

that I

have no one

/nowhere

to go

or
I would have,

a long time
back,

because you hurt

me too
much,

over and over

with no bouts
of sweetness

or declarations—
be they honest
/dis—

to mess
me around
and up;

you just plow

plow
plow

me down

where I’ve
always
been

and you

can’t
/won’t

see me,

nor will you
ever

nor bend

to pick me

/up

I have not one clue what’s wrong with me today. Yeah so, I have a headache again (fucking allergies or some damn thing), but it’s not so bad. And okay, I did do part of my tax return, but only like 20 minutes’ worth.

Perhaps this mood began at the sight/smell of dog shit and barf on the carpet that greeted my when I came downstairs this morning? Not helping was the tapeworm the dog shat on the steps of a neighboring apartment building shortly afterwards. That did sour my stomach for a few hours but I’m now ready to go buy some candy and other goodies to see if I can perk myself up with salt and sugar.

Or maybe it’s the damn wild wind looping the barometric pressure right through my sensitive gray matter. Who the hell knows.

-----

“Is this pot big enough for the noodles?”

Half concentrating on accurately entering data from all the boxes of the receipt in my hands, and half purposely ignoring the question for fear I’ll yell or grab the pot and whack him with it, I don’t respond.

“Does the tiny thing LOOK big enough to you?” I think viciously.

When he repeats the question, I stand up and tell him I’ll make lunch. But sensing my palpable irritation, he asks what’s bothering me.

found this in an old notebook, no date but obviously from sadder times


Like a small
puffed up sparrow

I know
what it's like
waiting out life

while trying to keep
the cold
from my heart

in the past
you had me
fooled
using
your illness
as an excuse
my core
believed

but then
I saw you
turn
on me
tonight suddenly
abruptly

no gene
or chemical
so quick
to kick
in
kick me
right
in the back

you served generic soda crackers
with fine cheese
and had the ladies giggling

mirrored in dirty glasses i saw
my madness but grown
occasional bickering not bittering it

and unruly curls streaked gray
but still childlike
no crumbs or wine-stains on your charm

i am going to find a sunny cafe where i will write you a letter that i will not send because i am tired of being the communicator peacemaker mature responsible one all the time when you have communication issues that i can't begin to understand and about which you are totally in denial, not only of their cornerstone essence importance to any human relationship but even of their existence

         at
      times
   it seems
 my life is like
   ice cream
     sweet
       but
       brr
        y




      o
      or
      then
      i feel
      frenetic
      and bright
  as an exotic bird
       coasting
         over all
           plus u
             too
               oo
                o

Okay so I realize that I've been a bummer here in my dark blog recently. Frankly thought no one was reading it since I switched people over to pinchmi. And I don't quite understand why anyone would come here because it always has been kind of a drag what with my stream of consciousness rants, drunken poetry and junk like that.

All's good though. I just needed a place to vent about my family shiite so as to give my guy a rest since he's tired of hearing about it. And of course I occasionally need to complain about him since I don't yet feel comfortable enough to spout about our tiffs to any of my several new friends here in my new life.

Lucky youse...

actually i can't say it's growing because i've been trying very hard to control it but i'm not in fact certain i have succeeded and am even less sure i'll be able to continue to reign it in since the other night when i actually saw them interacting and spent time with flirtly little her up close and personal though we don't have much to say to each other and that feels really weird for me because i don't know her at all and they've gotten to be quite buddy-buddy with their twice-weekly lunches and all the other office chit-chat time they spend together to the point where she told him to call her by her first name which i had understood usually takes much longer when making Japanese friends.

anyway... i know he's "not like that" and would never cheat but as i explained to him, it is very tough for a-begining-to-age me to be here surrounded by gorgeous women and all these other Canadian men who are tripping over themselves to get at 'em and for me not to be a little affected when he befriends a very pretty single woman. unfortunately i think my green struggle is actually going to his head which really isn't constructive so even more incentive to slay the monster.

Below is part of a response-in-progress to bitter sibling. I was wrong, she hadn't 'disowned' me but said instead (yelling loudly up to my pedestal)that she had not written or responded to me in 3 months because: "I just feel very very on another planet than you and find it really hard to talk to you which is really nothing new for us is it?"

I am still editing the following to remove all traces of hostility or condescension so as to not have her defensively dismiss it. It would be a major accomplishment on my part if any portion of it were to get through to her very small closed up mind.

Yes we are very very very different people but we actually do live on the same planet and I think we should thereupon thrive on the differences between people. I think it's what makes life interesting and helps us learn and grow. Either by allowing us to measure ourselves against people we don't want to be like or by pushing us to strive to emulate people we admire.

And I think recognizing the differences between us & others should not be grounds to give up and distance ourselves from them. I think it's stimulating to take the time to realize why someone is the way they are and then perhaps empathize with them. It's also sometimes challenging to try and gently get someone else to examine themselves and reassess their choices, particularly if you care about them. All the while it's so very nice to have people in your life who do the same for you.

ARRRGHHH gotta go to bed now instead of finishing this because a 45 min. debate with spouse about merits of this response ensued and now my eyes are too tired to continue tonight.

So the lying sibling has not mentioned the Pinch Me post. Which in essence justifies my sentiment. Either she doesn't read PM, confirming that she's a liar (and doesn't give much of a shit about me), or she felt the accusation justified and was too embarrassed to say anything. I, of course, will never know.

And yesterday I realized that I have almost certainly been ditched by the bitter sibling. 'Disowning' has become quite common in my family over the years but it's the first time I've been involved in any way. Though I'm fairly confident that it's simply because she's a really messed up person, I lay awake last night wondering if I know myself and my faults as well as I think I do. For at least 15 years I've pondered whether/how much I am responsible for our troubled relationship.

The problem is that I don't quite know what the trouble is, because her list of things (the mysterious criteria that I can never seem to meet) over the years has just proven that she knows nothing about me and has always pissed me off and made me think, "well, fuck her." Many moons ago her claim was that I was the "puppet" of our domineering sibling (whom of course bitter sibling has now twice disowned). Anyone who knows me more than a little knows that my character is far too strong and my EQ/intuition too sharp to allow me to ever be anyone's puppet.

But at our first and last face-to-face (it's been a long distance/by letter struggle) heart-to-heartless (okay, I'm just being malicious) a few months ago, bitter sibling told me that it's because I'm too perfect and everyone (other than her I infer) in the family has me on a pedestal. That made me laugh & cry. I said, Wow, that might explain why I feel so lonely up here.

Fucking family.

I don't really know what the point of this post was. It's just useless ranting into a giant hole.

i've just saved a draft on pinch me that i'm hesitating in posting because it's weird to publicly call someone a liar even if it is true and they deserve the shock and shame of reading about themselves and anyway next to no one will know who I'm talking about so it's just a jab from me to her in revenge yes but i'm tired of being so sensitive all the time when she and others never stop to think about hurting me

but i likely will publish it later because i'm tired as hell of tiptoeing around people especially selfish vacuous ones who won't even understand anyway and will probably laugh at the mock joke that my vengeance comes cloaked in

heehee perhaps deviousness is fun and i'll become addicted just like so many others

most people see my tough-chick exterior and don't realize that after years of pretending that i have it all together i've realized that i need some therapy about my family issues which i suppose have morphed into wider relationship issues due to the power childhood and family hurts have over sensitive people's emotions

i specify sensitive there because my partner doesn't seem to understand why it hurts me that most of my sisters don't return my e-mails or act at all interested in the fact that i moved to a country far-far away that even if you know not much about it you would assume it was dramatically different and perhaps wonder what it was like to live there or whether your loved one is managing to adjust

loved must be the key word because i think i've recently come to the conclusion that i am not as loved as i would like to be particularly by my siblings and my supposedly close friends

close is more than likely just my view of things since not many people ever seem to put me on their "most important people" list despite the fact that they may enjoy being on mine and perhaps even enjoy the benefits and favours

me me mine mine

perhaps i'm just in a navel-gazing place right now

today is not the right time (over an hour and a half ago I told myself I was NOT going to waste another day in front of the computer but that I would study instead) but I have decided to revive this blog so I have an outlet for the less sunny things in my life such as my faithful companions doubt and insecurity. Though I do occasionally get into it a little, I feel Pinch Me is somewhat fake and a bit sanitized due to it's mixed target bag of hito.

there's a stack of books next to the mouse
and then a shelf full
plus a few boxes dragged up from the basement

oh yeah and then
there're the new books
that I've been buying up and stockpiling
over there in the corner under the table

these all must be entered in our "inventory"
that nasty, hungry database of all our stuff
be it takin' ("air" category) or leavin' ("longterm storage" check box)

anyway, I'm not really complaining
except I am because who has time
to type in every single thing they own
the date the bought it and the cost of replacement

July will be here too soon
but not soon enough
sooner than you think
think how soon

I decided to revive this sorry old blog for 2 reasons:

1) update anyone who cares on our upcoming [adventurous] posting; and
2) get some free creative therapy to counteract my job [aka hell] stress.

Here's a little ditty to summarize our current life in cowtown [and good ridddddance], so as to contrast it against our future in F-ING Tokyo, boyyyy!

Reading a column in yesterday's paper, my curiosity got sparked about the blog of a Toronto author interviewed by the columnist. So I checked it out and got hit in the eye with the brief description he gave of his life, precisely becuz it IS the exact opposite of ours.

Observe:

David Eddie:

We have a house, we're always broke, but happy. We live on a park, where we spend all our time. Friends and family are everything.

Me:

We don't have a house, are never broke, but occasionally happy. We live between two restaurants, where we never eat. Few friends or family around.

Anyhoooo, I digress. So YUP, Tokyo is our confirmed destination this summer. No firm departure date yet. It's a 4-year posting which is kinda long but that's cool cuz postings are only that long in the safest countries.

We were kinda freaked a bit at first because let's face it, Japan has a huge cultureshock factor for a first posting! But Alain has heard nothing but raves from the many, many colleagues he's spoken to, who ALL have loved living there. Yes, it'll involve a lot of studying but HOLY SHIT, I'm gonna live in Tokyo. MAN.

For me, the studying starts real soon. My [over] helpful partner signed me up to do a TESL (teaching English as a second language) certificate that is 3 consecutive weekends (full days) long and starts in 2 weeks. It will be the death of me I'm sure because it's hyper-busy at work these days (AND they fired two other project managers last week).

But hey, whatever. TESL will certainly be easier-learnin' than the Japanese classes I'll be taking this summer! And to get me through the stress at the translation factory, I just have to think how un-stressful my near future will be, giving English conversation sessions to Japanese business men or Tokyo teens!

Well that's the stats for now. I'll be back when informed of anything more or inspired by nothing less.

PS: For those who may be wondering about my sister's health, I have good news. I spent the week before last with her in Vancouver and was present at her 4th and final chemo session! The worst is over! Radiation is next but it's a step up and the last one at that!

nun, nuh-n, naahn, na-un

can't even bring myself to think up any catchy way to state that i have absolutely nothing worthwhile to say because my life is but a mass of boxes since we're moving again in 8 days and nothing else is happening here except me drinking and smoking more than i should

feeling completely helpless and unable to have any impact whatsoever on the real world and yet another African outrage that my disgusting society chooses to ignore: hundreds of thousands of children slaughtered in Congo and Sudan are so unglamourous next to the death of a coma patient and a pope...

CHE, Congo (AP) -- Disease and a lack of clean water are killing 20 children every day in squalid camps of eastern Congo, victims of ethnic-driven violence that has created the world's worst humanitarian crisis, according to U.N. officials.

Those deaths may be an indicator of a much larger tragedy, according to U.N. and government security officials who toured three sprawling camps in remote Ituri province on Friday, where about 75,000 people have fled to escape being killed by militia prowling the surrounding hills.

Nearly 20 children die each day among 25,000 people in Gina camp, mostly from measles and diarrhea, said Rachel Scott, spokeswoman for the U.N. Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs.

Overcrowding, lack of water and sanitation, plus the sudden crush of arriving displaced people contributed to the rapid spread of sickness and disease, she said.

In the crook of a lush green valley where Che camp has grown, Longa Losa told how he fled an attack on his nearby village with eight children, but only after watching Lendu militia shoot dead three of his sons.

People are here helping us," said Losa, 65, who wore a tattered fedora and flip-flops. "But it's still not enough. We eat every two days."

maybe it's the weed and nicotine but i'm feeling a bit as K described and am making it worse by obsessing so i guess that means i should adopt another shalt not

my memory
needs rejuvenation

important stuff
that deserves focus

tends to
slip away unnoticed

ARRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

you know how men are always complaining, in movies and jokes and shit, about how women are mysterious and difficult to understand and that? well men should fucken talk because many males that I've intimately known are the most purposely manipulative and self-absorbed weirdos imaginable. it’s funny that just the other day i deemed a piece i was revising to be too passé/moot when actually it seems that i was wrong because yet again you've pissed me off royal and said piece rebecomes apropos:

condescension suits you
since you act as if you're the icing

it's evident that you want
to be the only cake on the table

but i believe that
you, soufflé, have fallen

or perhaps it's just
that you're no longer sugar to me

(once just once I'd love to hear "I'm sorry")


PS: in case anyone is worried about me, this drunken animosity is only a side effect of life in o-town

miss my knees
lilacs
and dogs barking

want to sweat
wear sunglasses
and drink patio bevs

miss tomatoes
bees
and painted toenails

dammit i'm once again distracted by the spring sunshine from my freelance work, a term that can be defined as temptation-is-everywhere-haha-resistance-is-futile, via this blog and will now attempt to make myself a deal whereif i work another half hour, make lunch and work another hour afterwards i will then be permitted to walk some papers over to some people that should have them if i am to somehow find employment that will put an end to temptation and encase me somewhat permanently in a "lovely"office environment somewhere in this hideous but soon to be blooming cowtown

just when i thought i could not
become any more jaded
than the cold stone
that i've been forever
i stumbled upon this job
posted by Canada's pride and joy,
the Office of the Governor General's Secretary:

Assistant Artist
Reference Number: GGS95375SDDO12

"Experience in devisal and critical assessment of concepts for new heraldic symbols and finished heraldic art, and in the applications of the aesthetic standards by which such designs are measured.

Experience in interpretation and implementation of specialized heraldic vocabulary to produce artwork, and in the preparation and layout of heraldic documents.

Experience in acting as a technical consultant to heralds, and other artists."

NOTE: For those interested, the closing date for applications in March 21, 2005. But alas, the salary at $48,083 per annum is but a pittance to which even great herald artists are well accustomed.

thou shalt not drink alcohol
thou shalt not

instead you shall work on those profiles you started weeks ago to spice up this damn boring blog of yours which is actually nothing more than an e-journal piece of doodoo with color photos that you in fact could replicate in your h-journal (nothing to do with H-history, Prok), by which i mean hard-journal, with scissors and shit like the ones you make for other people while leaving yours unadorned and now nobody would know what i was talking about but me so there i go and prove my point

you shalt maybe not drink alcohol
you shalt maybe
or maybe not
drink alcohol

take the Lindsay Lohans
SUVs, reality TV
and George W. Bush

deep fry in
genetically modified canola oil
and serve with a salad

please tell me
what's left
when the US is done eating

just devoured my new cocktail creation and crave another
but oh-no, I'm all outta the main ingredient
and it can't be had just anywhere

THE KICKY BITCH

1.5 oz vodka
1/2 bottle well chilled ginger beer
4-5 large frozen (still frozen!) raspberries


For those of you wussies who like a sweeter Bitch, add

1 tsp dark honey
or cut quantity of ginger beer and add a splash of Sprite/7-up

feeling crazy blue lately, especially today now that it's confirmed i'm not hired despite having expected just that and logically understanding it due to my lack of experience but for some reason i'm unable to kick myself outta this funk which has set on pretty early in the job hunt really and doesn't bode well for my poor mate since his face is practically the only one i have access to frown upon, tears occasionally escaping, tracing embarrassing weakness onto my tough exterior

Ok, so the bad news is that Canadians really love their stupid cars. The good news is that our majority want the gov't to act now on stricter auto emissions regulations. Yipee, now if only this were an actual democracy...

I'm once again awed by Hypnopompia's posts. He so eloquently voices the things about this world that make me increasingly "oogie" with time. The longer I spend in this civilization, the more uncomfortable I grow with it. However, am I capable of finding a solution, for myself at least, other than fulfilling my secret dream of running off to join a remote tribe?

Ady was telling me yesterday about some bozo at work who "refuses technology" and won't use the company's electronic document tracking system, screwing everyone else up. He said he thinks this person, being of an older generation, is incapable of learning about things electronic.

And click, while debating this with Ady, I realized something that has perplexed me for quite some time without me consciously knowing what it was: I think there are people who are somehow unwilling (I don't believe in unable) to learn. But I am not just talking about computers or second languages. I'm talking about LIFE, what/who else is out there in the world, how it works, how other people are different and why.

What has happened to WISDOM? As I get older, I grow wiser and I know that the way I deal with others benefits from what I have learned throughout my life. However, it is increasingly frustrating to me that most of my family and many of my friends, let alone "most people," do not seem able to think outside of the small boxes that are their lives.

I realized this morning, while reading a facinating blog I've discovered (A Critical Look at "Common Sense" Beliefs), that in my Jan. 10th entry I should have referred to "civilization" rather than "humankind." Though when it comes to the question as to whether humans are flawed, I lean towards yes. Convince me Hypnopompia, convince me.

Crushed after catching a snippet last night of a documentary on Sierra Leone. A small boy (8-9 yrs old) soldier was interviewed about his war actions. He spoke with a smile of opening up victims' bellies with a machete, removing liver and heart and of how a chef would prepare these for the soldiers to eat.

While seeking a map to MEANING, I have been questioning whether we ("humankind") have the potential to see/reach or even succeed at something ('what?' being a whole separate conundrum) BEYOND our current self destruction, despite the fact that our socialization has deeply ingrained a virtually all-encompassing selfishness and our conditioning into capitalist conformity has led us to aspire to nothing more than
mindless consumption.

maybe this was just
an accident of destiny

maybe he is meant
to save her

now that I've been cracked
open so the sun and rain
can seep in again

perhaps he was sent to remind me
that I do not control reality

perhaps he is vibrant proof
of what is valuable

to teach me a truth
that will age me smooth
like a milestone tumbling free

this violent unwelcome wind
plays games with my brain
like a child let loose
to scribble the walls with shifting shadows
and sow sleeplessness
by lurking and shrieking
as if my soul were a funhouse